Sunday, December 31, 2017



I am grateful for life.
For progress.
For full tummies and happy smiles.
I look forward to more of that in 2018.

Peace, contentment and sweet moments to you for the coming year. 

Thursday, December 28, 2017

I remember the first time I knew something was wrong with his hearing. It was because the babbling..hmmm, there was no babbling. The first paediatrician I took him to tossed all of my concerns out the window and as I desperately sought to show him that there was something missing, I asked at the end of that horrible doctor's visit, "But what about his lack of babbling?" And he said that if I was really worried, I could take him to an audiologist somewhere.

Fast forward three months past a paediatrician who saw exactly what I was seeing and past a paediatric neurologist who saw even more than I was seeing (in terms of fearing that he'd lose what skills he did have) and we had the first hearing test.

SPD and probes in ears and strange places and people do not mix. It was time to send him elsewhere to be put to sleep for the test.

And then the test found abnormalities and we had to wait 6 months for another test.

Each test fraught with pain and fear. I remember the final one. His blood dripping onto the floor as they used his jugular vein for the anesthetic. I prayed we'd never need to do it again. He'd had enough. Too many needles after too many pokes and prods as this arm then that arm then that hand and then this hand was pricked only to not be able to get a vein. It was hard. Hard watching his body jerk in reaction to the needle finally entering his neck.

The final results those months ago in laymen's language..."Hopefully in 6 months time as his brain matures even more, his hearing will be normal."

It has. I realised this week, that it has. My son can hear normally. He can pronounce consonants and more importantly, he has intonation! He emphasises syllables-he no longer speaks like some robot from the movies I used to watch. He can sound excited! I'm sure part of it is improvement and progress-he has global developmental delay so this could also be his brain maturing too-but I'm just glad. I believe his hearing is as good as it can get. He can hear well.

2018 will be more restful. Just the next orthotics appointment for his feet next month..and each time his feet grow until hopefully around age 5 when he no longer needs to wear them. And a neurology appointment when he turns 3 in September. 2018 will be a better year for him. Therapy at home.

And I am glad! He deserves it. He deserves the world. Don't they all?

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

The Testimonies You Tell May Help You One Day

I used to share a lot of my struggles and triumphs with my church family. And online, truth be told. long time readers know about my infertility struggles, health challenges and chronic pain conditions. I either spoke to solicit prayers, to testify how God's grace was sufficient or to encourage others.

In September this year, at the height of feeling utterly bereft, someone called me to commiserate. We'd both found out some terrible news on exactly the same day last year, though he had only had to go through it once, I had yet another date later on to mourn over. During his call he mentioned as an aside that his faith had been severely tested and only now was he coming back to his senses. I shared what I shared in my deleted posts-the way I felt like God was far away from me.

He basically responded with, "No but you see, you are under attack from the devil. And like it or not, you will always be under attack as long as you live your Christianity. You have no idea how your work was making an impact. People don't tell you, but we talk. Satan tried to get to you by making you infertile but it didn't work. Instead you have two beautiful biological children. He tried to get you down by taking away your health, but still you clung to God. Now he's decided find a surefire way to make you forsake your faith. You cannot let him win."

It wasn't the words that reached my heart, it was the fact this person, a man no less, remembered the testimonies we have given over the years. It jolted me, I'd even forgotten some of the things I've shared. Yet he remembered. Long time readers know how one of the things I struggled with with blogging was how I felt like I was speaking to the wind, hating the lack of community and responses. I don't write just to put my words out there into space, there are enough words out there as it is. I want them to do something to someone else. The fact that words can be remembered so many years later, means they did do something.

And maybe by blogging the good and the bad, something can be done to someone else who needs it. More importantly, your sharing your testimony today might not only help someone now, but it might very well be to your own advantage in the future. You might very well be held up by the words you used to hold others up. 

The early church both in New Testament times and in our early SDA history was rich in sharing of their truths and goods. Maybe it's time we went back to that lifestyle. We'd find strength in being made to look back at how God has led us in the past when our dark and painful circumstances blind us to the beauty we once lived.

Share your truth. You were created to be a living epistle known and read of all men. Share it. It might save you once more.

2 years 8 months

Two years 8 months ago, I became mother to a little girl born 3 years ago TODAY!!!

She has reached that age-the testing boundaries, creative in creating messes-age.

The "say funny things that actually make sense" age.

She makes me tear my hair out.

She makes my heart melt.

And of course as some adoptive mothers tend to do, I think of her biological mother even more  today. It can't be easy. I KNOW it's not easy because she told me last year that she struggles with shame :-(

I pray one day the shame will be replaced by peace. Placement isn't the cause of the shame per se , it's that the situation had to ever happen in which she had to hand over flesh of her flesh. A child who might one day hate her. What painful reflections. How can you not hope for peace for her?

Adoption is complex. But adopting is an act of love. I did not know of her existence, the Sabbath she was born, but it was the first time we told someone that we were expecting.

We were and are blessed. Not only to have her, but to know that some dear woman knows that she is the apple of my eye. She knows she is loved, cared for, desired and treasured. And today is the day she delivered her and had to say goodbye to that typical mother -daughter bond. Complex. It's complex.

May God use this precious girl's life to shine His light of mercy and forgiveness to others also wondering in darkness. She's certainly brought light and joy to us. She is my dream come true. I always knew (from age 10) that a mother would one day trust me to be mother to her child. Here I am. Mother to a THREE YEAR OLD!!! I'm loving the growth and reasoning and craziness. I love watching children grow, I'm not the type who wishes they would remain babies forever. Watching the 'baby-ness'  disappear fills me with wonder. I look forward to the next year. And I look back at the past three. I wasn't there for all of them, but I'm thankful I'm there TODAY.

PS. Regarding the previous now-removed posts from yesterday. I am not going underground again! I'm just changing things around as I think of the real life reactions I've had when talking about this kind of stuff.  I have two blogs. One is anonymous. You'll find me there if you ever need that kind of support. I sincerely pray not.