Thursday, July 27, 2017

Don't Feel Bad For Feeling Upset When They Say It's "Just" an Emotional Affair

Matt 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."
(To reiterate. I am doing this specifically for sisters in MY church who have found no support in their congregations. More than half of my close SDA friends have been cheated on. That excludes the two who were in a courtship. That is NOT a good statistic unless I just happen to be unlucky. And no, we didn't link up AFTER the adulteries. (Some people get in touch because they think I care and can help with various emotional issues or advice. Not in this case. Only one person has gotten in touch specifically because of their heartbreak, these are all long, old friendships which have had bad news and little to no support in their congregations. In  In case there are others not getting much support, I continue this series.)
It might as well be full adultery. It's not 'just.' So don't ever feel guilty for feeling as if your world fell apart. It did. It did. He could have sacrificed anything and everything to avoid harming his soul, breaking his promises and adding a third person in your sacred circle, but he didn't.
The words said/texted/emailed to her, were words meant only for you. The compliments, the time spent together, the hours spent planning flights together, visits at workplaces... That is time God allocated to you, as the wife, and no-one else.
The harm to your emotions is never to be diminished with regard to its intensity. You were betrayed just as much as the man who took off his clothes and united his body with another's. He knit his soul with another woman's instead of keeping it knit with yours, and yours alone. The commitment made that you kept, he did not. It will hurt. Do not feel bad for not thinking, "Oh well, at least they didn't sleep together." Marriage is about the meeting of two hearts, it's not only about sex.Sex happens AFTER the knitting of two hearts. If friends act as if it's not a big deal, chances are it's never happened to them, maybe they themselves are guilty of it so honestly don't realise how harmful it is, or they are just not as emotionally invested in their marriages as you are, or are just blissfully unaware and don't mean to hurt you by minimising it. Ignorance is bliss and for their sake, it's best that they do not fully understand it by experience! 
It makes sense that you'd be hurt and unable to trust and give yourself fully after that. While you were planning what to cook for him, he was planning when to meet her again. While you waited in vain for an SMS from him, he was texting her. While you were planning a surprise birthday party for him, he was meeting her at a restaurant. While you pictured yourself greeting him with a loving embrace, he was busy hugging her and holding her close.
Your pain is justified. Valid. Real. Deep. Understandable. 
Horrific. Awful.
Do not ever feel invalidated just because he says "We were just flirting." 
We (As traditional Christians) all know he was meant to keep his flirting for you, and you alone. The oneness you promised each other, he shared with one who wasn't you. It was wrong. Period.
Emotional affair means just that. The emotions that should have been kept for you, were invested in someone else. Don't EVER feel stupid for feeling deep sorrow. Even Christ who was never married knew how bad it was that his romantic thoughts were towards her. You are not being extreme.

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