Friday, July 28, 2017

Taking Off Your Wedding Ring and Hating Your Anniversary

Bearing in mind the controversy within our movement with regards to wedding rings and how I think most of us (in my friendship circle) don't wear them anyway, I'll still use this example because some do.

I have come across posts in which the betrayed wife talks about how when she found out her husband had been giving his heart (or body) to someone other than her, she removed her wedding ring even though she chose not to divorce. But she can't exactly say why.

I've come across other women who say for them, they no longer have an anniversary. That day is a terrible marker and they pass it by without mention. This does not make sense for all women, not even those who have also been betrayed. These are also women who choose to stay married, that I'm referring to.

(The choice to stay is a topic for another day.)

I'll try explain it.

I would hazard a guess that the wedding ring and the anniversary are not mere objects or days, they are symbols. The ring means more than just, "I'm married." It speaks to how the husband made a promise before witnesses-heavenly and otherwise-that he would be faithful to this woman forever. Forever. There was no question about it. He didn't make promises about making sure to wash the car when it got dirty. He didn't promise not to be boring. He didn't promise to stay vegetarian for the rest of his life. He promised to protect and nurture and love only her..forever.

Once that promise has been broken, that ring no longer symbolises that. All it is is a sign of a promise that could not be kept. It means he lied. I'm not saying on his wedding he knew he would cheat (Though there are men who were cheating before their wedding day and still went ahead) but that the ring means nothing anymore, like their promises mean nothing. Nothing except a broken heart. Why wear something that has no meaning to the one who gave it to you?

As for the anniversary. What the people who don't get it, don't get. is that you anniversary also symbolises something. It's the day you two-not a secret third- pledged to bind your interests, joys, hopes, hearts, bodies together. It's the day you pledged to be one-be it in public, or in secret where only God and His angels reside. It's the day where you vowed to begin your lives together as one. One in every regard. Where he said his job would be to make his wife-and no one else-happy. Before you found out, each anniversary was a celebration of lives in union. It was a reminder of how far you'd come, how much you'd grown TOGETHER as a unit. It was a reminder of promises made and kept.

Now, after finding out, an anniversary says, "This is the day you vowed to be true to a man who made the same vow but couldn't keep it." It's not exactly a happy memory for everybody. Some feel forced to stay with their husbands and I think this would be even worse. An anniversary then becomes the day you chose to bind yourself to someone who you'd be stuck with not because you give each other joy and can't imagine that same joy with anybody else, but because despite him finding it elsewhere, you're now unable to get out.

Also, your wedding day was the day you vowed to be one. When you found out that he chose to make himself one (be it in heart, spirit, body or soul) then for many women, they are no longer actually even married. There's now a third person, and they never signed up for polygamy. One man. One woman. One heart. United. And now that's all gone. The day of the anniversary becomes a lie. No joy to celebrate, no "We made it against the odds." No, "Despite the world attacking us, we stood together just as we did at the altar."

Rings and anniversaries aren't only symbols of marriage. They are symbols of what marriage is meant to mean and be. And when your marriage turns out not to be thus, I understand why the symbols are now meaningless... And painful.


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