Wednesday, July 26, 2017

To the Betrayed Wife

(I am a Christian. All my friends who have been betrayed by husbands and boyfriends are Christian. Everything I write is from that viewpoint. Also, these posts are written from very specific standpoints, collected from real people I know. They might not be relevant for your specific situation.)

The husband sends a text. "I need you. My wife is too fat. Is too frigid. Can't bear children. Is bossy. Is lazy. Is uneducated. Doesn't give me attention.."
Excuse after excuse to break his vows.

Those are excuses used by immature people. Mature Christians, Christians who are truly following Christ, don't need to give excuses for bad behaviour, because they analyse themselves and realise they're veering off the path and draw even closer to you. As soon as that man thought, "Hmm, here's my chance," he stopped being a Christian. He became a hypocrite. And you can't take what a hypocrite says, seriously. Not when it's an excuse for doing wrong.

At the altar, he never vowed to only forsake other women if you didn't gain weight. If you got a degree. If you pursued him lustfully every single night. If you acted as if he was God's gift to the universe. There were no conditions to his vows. He promised fidelity forever. No excuses.

When a man becomes a drunkard, I've never heard the wife blaming water or juice for being boring. So why do we insist on blaming ourselves when this choice is made. When this choice is made over and over and over? It is not ever your fault. His excuse is an excuse. I know you won't believe this because it hurts too much and by nature we tend to focus on, "What can I fix? What does she have that I don't have?"

She has loose morals. (Yep, even her friends have told her to leave him alone but she has no scruples.)I don't think you want a lack of morals. She has a heart that deceives her boyfriend/husband/God, and doesn't care about breaking families, all she wants is your husband. I don't think you want to become the cause of eternal heartbreak and broken vows. You want your husband, the one you promised to love eternally, not someone else's.


The problem is your husband. not you. He forgot his God. He forgot you. He chose to go after someone who forgot her husband, her vows to be faithful. What a sad situation, when two people choose to hurt those they claim to love rather than to fix themselves.

Sis, you have nothing to fix. A mature man who has real 'concerns' will talk to you. He won't talk to another woman. If he doesn't feel like he's getting enough in the bedroom, he will talk to YOU, not get it from another woman. That's what real Christians do.

Have you ever thought that you actually bore this marriage on your shoulders? That his smelly feet, his untidy habits, his not asking you about your day, his boorish manners and fat belly did not turn you off? That you loved him despite how inept he is in bed? How unsatisfied you felt after he rolled over and went to sleep? You never ran to another man when evening after evening all he spoke about was work, work, work and never you and his love for you. You never cried to another man about wanting attention when he was working till midnight and you had to fall asleep feeling lonely and unloved all those nights.

You also had excuses to sin, but you never took them. You love him despite the flaws. You meant your vows.

You were not messed up, there is nothing to fix that will stop him from straying. Only God can stop a sinner in his tracks, if the sinner sees his wrongs and repents.

One day you will see it and get it. His excuses are excuses. There was nothing so wrong with you that would drive him to lie and seek another woman instead of seeking God or counseling or understanding of your situation. Nothing.

There's a reason God said adulterers should be stoned to death. He Himself knew that you as the wife were not the cause of the adultery. He knew that no matter what kind of a wife you were, your actions were not what drove him to another woman. He could choose the life you chose. To be faithful despite the 'flaws.' But he didn't.

There's a reason God commanded the stoning of adulterers. He knew how hard it would be for you to live with that husband for the rest of your life, hurting, unsure if you would ever be emotionally healred. He knew how painful it would be for you to choose to stay for the sake of your children who you don't want to suffer. He knew. And took the choice away so you could never feel guilty.

Whether you choose to stay or go, know this. It is not your fault what happens after your choice. It is his. Just as it was his fault when he chose to forsake God who has a way of escape out of every sin if we choose to take it.

You have forgiven worse than what his excuses were. You never sought the embrace of another man to fulfill the 'needs' he wasn't fulfilling.

You are not to blame.

One day you will believe me.

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